The Director and I are pretty much over but I don’t know how to tell him. That’s pretty much the long and short of it. We’ve barely spoken the last couple of days. In fact we’ve sent no more than ten text messages to each in 72 hours. That’s not right. We’re meant to be dating. Aren’t we?

This happened once before. We barely spoke for a few days and then we had this great big chat where he told me he felt we had flatlined and he didn’t want it to be the case. We agreed to see each other more, make an effort to listen to each other more, and talk to each other more. Communication isn’t our strong point apparently. I’m not sure you can have a relationship if there’s no communication. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can’t.

Last night was meant to have been date night except… Well, I didn’t text him back throughout the day because I didn’t really have anything to say to him. We’ve barely spoken for days. We aren’t dating. I’m just a Friday or Saturday night booty call. Or he was. Probably both. I want a man who will chase me a little. I want a man who will put in the effort. That’s the whole point isn’t it? I know I make men jump through hoops a little but isn’t that the point? And technically what I’m doing is wheedling out the guys who just aren’t worth it – the guys who won’t put in that effort for me. Because when I give my all to a man, when I become ‘his’, he gets everything I’ve got. He gets my heart and soul. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. There’s no amount of money I wouldn’t pay, no amount of chasing around the world, nothing. There’s nothing on earth that would stop me from wanting to see him. There’s nothing on earth that would stop me from seeing him. Why would I want to do that for a man who just isn’t worth it? And when it comes down to it, I just don’t think The Director is worth it.

I think I got a little carried away with the idea of him, and there was the whole business-tie too. He was so much like Jock, he still is so much like Jock. But he’s not Jock. If I’m going to have a man like Jock, I want the real deal. What’s the point in me chasing a sloppy second best? And to be honest, I don’t even know if I want Jock anymore. But The Director and I, we have nothing in common. Not really. We like to have a good time in bed but that’s about it. We don’t like the same food. He likes live music and I hate it. He likes to drink a lot (every night) and I just can’t handle it. I don’t even think we like the same kind of music. We definitely don’t have the same taste in films. I’m struggling to think of one thing, aside from the military tie, that keeps me running back to him. Nothing. Just his performance in the bedroom and even then we didn’t sleep together the last night I saw him.

I thought I was really into him but I think it was more the idea of him I got carried away with. I’m already basically cheating on him with The Twirtation, who I’ve now decided to call The Dom by the way. It suits him much better. Plus Twirtation is really hard to type over and over again and autocorrect always tries to fix it.

Back to the point, I may not have physically slept with someone else but what I’ve done, what I’m doing with The Dom – it ain’t all platonic I can tell you that. It stopped being platonic a really long time ago. The Director would have a shit fit if he ever saw the messages between us. I don’t really want to be in the same house as him having a shit fit knowing there’s a godamn weapon around. Which there is. That’s all I’m saying. Gulp.

But the business tie – he keeps fucking up all the stuff I’m trying to do for him anyway. He hasn’t listened to what I’ve said to him. He hasn’t taken on board all the things I’ve tried to teach him. He’s never going to take me seriously. Ever. I’m always going to be the Friday night plaything. And do you know what? It was all my own fault. Because I slept with him on the first date. Lesson learned – no good can come of that. Keep your legs shut ladies.

So here I am staring at his online status, writing and re-writing the same message over and over again but not quite coming up with the balls to actually send it.

We appear to have flatlined. It’s not you, I just don’t think we actually have anything in common. We’ve done nothing except get drunk at your house and fuck. We can’t base an entire relationship on that. We’re not on the same page. I want the forever-guy. Not a Friday night-guy.

So why can’t I say that to him? What am I more worried about? Him fighting for me or him NOT fighting for me? I’m a fragile little creature, it would hurt my feelings if he didn’t even give a shit. But I’d end up in his bed again if he turned on the charm. He’s good at it… When he wants to be.

Flatlined. Do not resuscitate?